No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
