Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
