She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
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That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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