1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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