Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
