I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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