A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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