Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
