I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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