Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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