Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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