he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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