am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
