omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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