Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
