She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
