I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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