I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
