I want to make a zoo with you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
