508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
