A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
