John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
