Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
