Please, let me fuck your mom
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
