the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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