My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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