we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Randomize
