my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
