Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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