A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
