Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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