I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
