remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
