It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
