Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
