I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize