I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
