There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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