If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Fuck appropriateness.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
