Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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