I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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