At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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