I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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