well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
