Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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