Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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