Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
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Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
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I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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