Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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