Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
