that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
