You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
