she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
