i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My breasts were aching with rage.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
