bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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