Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just forgot I was standing up.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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