i already hear my dad disowning me
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
