The maid of honor just puked.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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